so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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