Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
