Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
