you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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