i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
