So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
