I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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