Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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