Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They took my balls.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize