Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
