The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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