sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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