I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
