The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
