i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
