i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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