Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
