I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
