i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
