We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
