Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Your penis caused this!
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