just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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