dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
