my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
