you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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