I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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