I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
