Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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