Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
