I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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