I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
