Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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