1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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