One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
