Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
3pm strippers are depressing
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
