I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
