i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
