Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
false alarm, still single
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
