I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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