It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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