Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
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I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
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Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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