I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
