My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
