its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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