I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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