My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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