batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
