i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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