he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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