my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
