I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
