My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
