The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
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I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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