I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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