He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
