I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
