I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
