woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
two words: eviction party
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm too high and old for this...
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